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Sunday, June 17th, 2007
11:15 am - a wedding with gender shift.
when you're gender is shifting it's hard to pick an outfit for a wedding. even when those marrying are queer and different themselves. how do I want to portray? will I be accepted with this new hairstyle?  what will people think of the new me?

funny, because, as usual, i mix it up, keeping all on toes. I took out the iron and, somedays, that's all that matters. I look sharp. with shiny new adididas, fine rimmed glasses,  pinstripes, and a splash of sunburn.

madly trying to get it all done before nyc and shacking up with a new lover (?) for the week. the thrill and the nervousness of it.

my legs are sore from dancing all night to hip hop in oakland friday night. you should come out sometime. i say a person doen't know me until they see me in my whole body like that.
no matter what the hairstyle.

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Saturday, June 9th, 2007
1:02 am - would you fight for love?

have you ever fought for love?
or do you think it's better to be noble? a gentleman?
walk away?

what if you know?
can you ever really know?
how?

do you walk away because you can't convince?
how easily do you give up?
this is not a theoretical question.
{feel free to leave your comments anonymously so that you can be as honest as you like.}
how hard do you fight?
how angrily do you walk away?

do you fall in love with people who are passive?
who just love the attention?
and you love giving it?
do you love to give?
or take?

would you fight for love?

do think passivity is pathetic? or endearing?
are you attracted to conceit or humility?
do you want your love to have a small ego or a large one?
do you want to fix people?

    "My love will change you."
    "It will be different for me."

do you think you're damaged?
broken? and no love can fix you?
how far do you go to protect your heart?

how's that working out for you?
do you think love is like making a decision?
do you believe you can fall out of love? like it's a tree? or the sky?
is it like when you pull the parachute string and it's not there?
or do you wash your hands and then it's over?
do you believe that the people you love live in a part of your heart?
and you in theirs?
or do you throw out little sharp things when they're getting close?
like, you think you love me, eh? what if I do this? or this?

would you fight for love?

what's the worst thing that can happen if you let someone in? all the way?
have you experienced a lot of betrayal? death? abandonment?
what it is about you that makes people leave?
do you enjoy making people go away?
does it tell you that you're right-- you'll always be alone?
do you think that because you're married you're safe?

would you fight for love?

can you ever be sure that love is yours to fight for?
do you think it's cowardly to walk away? or dignified?

would you fight for love?

is there dignity in love?

can you keep yourself intact if you're vulnerable?
do you think it's brave to be vulnerable? or horrific?
who in your life knows your tender spots?

can love be insured? do you have the secret? will you share it with me?

would you fight for love? would you?

when? why?

when is it the right time? the right thing?
how hard would you fight? do you throw a fair fight? a duel?

how do you know if you're ready to love again?
are you worth loving?
do you have a generous heart? or a conditional one? do you mete out love?
do you think love is vast? or manageable?
do you only love appropriate people?
do you have 'a type'?
did you marry the right person? are you sure?

would you fight for love?

have you ever settled? for the safe person?
have you ever been in love with more than one person at a time?
have you ever fallen in love with someone but kept it a secret? to everyone?
or did you tell one person? who? why?
is a secret love romantic? or repulsive?

do you think you can outsmart love?

would you fight for love?

when? would blood be shed? or merely tears?

do you think a broken heart can be mended? how about a shattered one?
do you think someone can steal your heart? how about a piece of it?
have you ever fallen in love with a stranger?
are you expressive? or stingy?

do you feel the same way every time you fall in love?
or does it happen with each person differently? is every love unique?
do you think love and sexuality are the same thing?
have you ever fallen in love with the incorrect gender to your sexuality? are you terrified of it? titillated?

would you fight for love?

when do you think it's the right time to tell someone you love them? what's the time frame?
have you ever said it first?
have you ever been met with silence?
do you throw the word around? love, that is.
or do you sprinkle it around like faerie dust?
do you wear your heart on your sleeve? or hold your cards close? how's that working out for you?
do you feel safe? do you sleep better because of it?

would you fight for love?

are you waiting for life to happen to you?
or do you go after life fiercely?
have you ever struggled to stay alive?
have you ever watched someone die? have you?
have you ever taken a life?
have you ever pushed someone out of your life because you loved them? and didn't want to. did it help to make them go away?
are you a coward in the face of love?
does love scare you? why not?

do you think life is worth living? why? what keeps you here? who keeps you here?

would you fight for love?

have you ever been so angry at love that you couldn't see straight?
have you ever lied to someone and told them you were not in love with them? why?
is safety overrated?
can we ever be safe?
how much control do you think you have?

have you ever stopped breathing to make yourself invisible?

when is love unbearable?
or is love always delicious?
are you a hopeless romantic? are you a pessimist? practical?
when is love impossible?
how much do you judge other people's love? why do you do it?
do you understand love? can you explain it to me then.

would you fight for love?

have you ever fallen in love with the same person? are you scared of it happening?
do you still love anyone from your past? who knows?

can you love someone you don't trust?
can you love someone who doesn't trust themselves?
are you someone who only does what you're good at? or do you take risks?

would you fight for love?

do you know the secret for eviscerating an inappropriate crush?
what do you think the purpose of an inappropriate crush is?
do you flirt with everyone? or are you intentional?

have you ever trifled with someones emotions?
have you ever led someone on?
have you ever said aloud that you were not available?
have you ever missed someone's crush on you even though you were never available?
do you think it's your responsibility to tell someone you're not available?

i don't want to be ready to love again.
too scary.
i have never fought for love. i'm noble. i walk away. if someone doesn't think i'm worth it i walk away.
but i'm re-thinking this m.o.

you? would you fight for love? when?

has it ever been worth it?

would you fight for love?

                            {feel free to leave your comments anonymously so that you can be as honest as you like.}

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Monday, May 21st, 2007
11:39 pm - you know you're not in the city when
1. you come out of your house and a person walking on the sidewalk stops to tell you how lovely your garden is. long enough to point at and touch particular flowers. and confuse you with friendliness.

2. your parking spot is in front of your house

3. when you leave your parking spot is in front of your house, and come back two to 2 to 12 hours later, it's still there.

4. when you need lemons to make a quick cobbler you leave your house in slippers and pick them from your front yard.

5. when you come home late at night you become scared to walk to your front door because two fierce raccoons (a married couple) stand in front and not only do not slink away when you approach but they arch their backs and appear to be twice as large when they come forward to "greet" you. You stand there not having any idea of what to do until they jaywalk accross the street and you hope that there aren't others hiding in the pitch black darkness.

6. you wish you had a flashlight in your trunk.

7. you wonder why a sharp, tough, savvy new yorker like yourself is standing in the street afraid of raccoons.

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Saturday, May 12th, 2007
9:10 pm - too much baking!
two more days of baking.
then I'm done for a while!
good g-d! how much baking more can I do!
oy vey.

not that anyone reads this, but just in case-- I have some travel plans on the summer horizon. maybe I could meet up wichu?

NYC June 19-26 ish. -- teaching 1 Knife Skills Class
Portland June 29 - July 14  --- I'm teaching 4 baking classes there! (think Pie, Galette, Shorcake, Crisp etc.)
Chicago July 24-28

Anyone up for The Mermaid Day Parade?
{I'm a little bored with the Dyke March. It's time to shake it up a bit.}

medical stuff is over, for at least 3 more years. yeah!
all the baking is for a major dessert tasting for a huge job prospect. I'm totally stressed out.
but then I'm trying to remember what month and day it is. and that I can do it, if I do it one day at a time.

but baking at home is a lonely job. I usually love being alone at home all the time, but lately it's gotten really tiring.

and hey-- if you live in N california-- check ouit the cherries at the farmers' market-- some are pretty extra ordinary!



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Friday, April 13th, 2007
1:59 am - I'm baking bread
it's 2 am.
I need an intervention.

anyone?

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Thursday, March 15th, 2007
3:12 pm - only happy things.
a. plum blossoms snowing down, coating the ground and other leafy things below with snow dots.
prettttyyyy.

b. a busier schedule, complete with making croissants BY HAND!

c. a lot of dessert eating on the horizon.

d. all my tests at Kaiser scheduled. (Yes, this IS a ghappy thing.)

e. many birthday dinners, not just mine.

f. said yes to an intriguing baking/consulting job. involves having a FedEx #, meaning they will come to my door for pick up.

g. the crush is fading. (ok, this one is not pure happiness. maybe bittersweet.)

h. warm weather.

i. more classes to teach on the horizon.

j. strawberries will be here soon.

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Monday, March 5th, 2007
11:58 pm - birthday ideas?
i live in the bay area.
soon i'll be 39.
my apartment is too small for a party.
although I know a dj who will do a party for me.
i like delicious food but it does not need to be expensive.
in fact: i am capable of making my own bday cake
and have done it for many years.

i have a lot of friends
and I'm not even sure I want to get them all in one place.

do you have any ideas?

i can't count on the outside since my bday is the first day of spring: notoriously cold & rainy here.

I'm taking suggestions, offers of other people's liuving spaces, spearheading.
or just taking charge of me and telling me what to do.
even if you don't know me.
i'm trying to be open.

thank you for putting any thought into this.
ps: no bowling, no drinking.

thanks!

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Saturday, February 17th, 2007
11:55 am - Spring?
all windows are open. the treehouse fills with wind, warm like it's almost summer. it's the bay area, tricking us all again! tiny blossom petals snow down coating the sidewalk with more foolery.

"but it's february!" we cry. especially us east coasters who know February is as much Spring as July is winter.

I wake up wishing I had a companion to bound out of bed with and meet the day's odd warm weather with. alas it is me, bagels from NY Florida, lists of to-do like picking up 3 gooses to roast tomorrow and 2 sweet kugles.

it could be worse.

but what are you up to? What do you do when you wake out of winter sleep and find that summer's whimsical winds have entered the neighborhood? what's the first thing you want to do?

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Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007
9:14 pm - used CD cases?
does anyone want them or do they go in the garbage? behind the times by at least 10 years, as usual, I'm putting my cd's in a cloth notebook thingy and now I have a lot of empty cases...

I'm hoping in all my free time all the house projects I've never done/put off will get done. heh. mostly I'm spending too much time on the computer. but even asking this question of google got no answers, so if you know anything, please share. those lonely cd cases, and me, will be eternally grateful!

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Monday, January 8th, 2007
2:32 am - the job is over.
my last night was a few hours ago.
alas.
so many gorgeous ice creams in the freezer, homemade marshmallows waiting to be gently dropped in hot cocoa, dozens of cardamon, cocoa nib, valrhona chocolate chunk cookies.
mmmmmmmm.

it appears the chef was incapable, by his own admission, of having a discussion.
(he said he's afraid of talking to me.)
his partner/general manager changed the menu without telling me to get back at me.

I'm feeling very flip. good riddance!
glad to have some time off after 3 weeks of 14 - 19 hour days.

maybe i'll really clean the house now. and buy groceries. and make that trip to see my family in flahrida. and knit. and kiss my beau, unencumbered with work stress.

this is what happens when one continues to do what one has always done the same way.

at some point it is really time for a change.
looks like i might be done with this particular way of being a pastry chef for a while.

anyone want a ginger pot de creme?

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Thursday, December 14th, 2006
7:59 pm - A Menu for Hope III
The Blogging world is gathering en masse to fundraise for an incredible organization called UN World Food Programme, which helps to distribute food to the hungry and starving. A Menu for Hope was started by Pim of Chez Pim three years ago and has raised money through the blogosphere for the earthquake and tsunami in Southeast Asia as well as Unicef.

Beyond the beyond prizes, all food related, donated by hundreds of people around the globe, will be raffled off on January 15. Raffle tickets are only $10 each! Prizes famous, personal, book, vacation, delicious, drinkable, educational, and wearable!

To find out what prizes are available in your area, follow these links, as they relate to your geographical location:

US West Coast: Becks and Posh
US East Coast: The Amateur Gourmet
US (the rest): Kalyn's Kitchen
Canada: Cardamom Addict
Europe and UK: Davidlebovitz.com
Latin America: The Cooking Diva
Asia Pacific/Australia/New Zealand: Grab Your Fork

Please pass this along! I know I'm not the only other food interested LJ'er out here.




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Thursday, May 18th, 2006
9:58 pm - Mosquito Eater
The Mosquito eater looks just like a mosquito but maybe 10 times the size. I tell my friend, The Redheaded Girl, not to kill it because even though it looks scary it kills and eats mosquitoes, my arch enemy.

It flies like it's ballast is too heavy. It likes the ceiling, and stangely enough, the floor.

But then a few days later I saw that it had been caught in the Spider's web near my Couch. I told the Mosquito eater that I was sorry it had been killed.

I am trying to make peace with the new creatures. In NY one just kills cockroaches en masse, but here in Northern California we try to reason with the ants and the spiders.

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Friday, May 12th, 2006
10:29 pm - spiders.
the spiders like my new couch. it's perfect camouflage for them. i don't want to kill them but i don't want them biting me either.

one night i made a deal with a spider in my bedroom. I said, "Look, tou can stay here but you have to stay right there. You cannot bed me. You cannot crawl over my face. You can have the ceiling, I don't need it."

a few nights later it looked like he had departed. but that's because he started to live in and on my dresser. "Hey," i said startled, "We had a deal. You could have the whole ceiling! You are not allowed to hide in my papers or my boxer briefs. No."

a week later, while reading in bed, i rearranged my pillows. strangely i had a white pillowcase on the fluffy one. a spot with legs was in the center, between the pillow and the transluscent case.

DealBreaker.

i'm from NY, you only get a chance or two.

i slipped spider out and tossed h/she off the front step. the next day i killed h/is/er friends near my desk.

i like spiders. i like that they eat mosquitoes, my arch enermy. not only do they kill bugs, they trap them and suck their blood and empty the bugs lifeforce right there, prone, in the web.

i know i am not an outdoorsman. you do not need to tell me this. i realize that the east bay is like the country and i should get used to it. but webs are one thing and spiders in the pillow covers are another. even a californian has to draw the line somewhere.

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Monday, May 8th, 2006
6:27 pm - the laundro-mat
I would like to know why there is always one weird fellow at The Laundromat. Why if he and his scared, jumpy dog are doing laundry on the other side of the room he always seems to bump into me? How come the weird fellows wants to talk to me? How come they are there when I arrive and leave?

Has anyone written their dissertation on the culture of laundromats?

Perhaps when people go to buy private w&d's they go through a screening, so that the really odd ones get denied their laundry loan and have to go to the 'mat.

I keep to myself. Catch up on New Yorker reading. Of course I pick an article which describes in detail giving birth to a dead baby. I start to cry near the dryers.

The dog runs outside and chases children angrily barking. Over and over. I talk to her and soon she lays near me.

A family of Mexican mothers, sisters, daughters and children fill the area. A little boy approaches the dog suddenly and I say down to him in Spanish, "Please be careful, the dog is crazy." He backs off and I am glad because I have gotten in the middle of fighting dogs and it's no fucking joke. Scary and bloody.

The little boy runs around singing, "Pero loco, pero loco" but I am glad that he knows not to scare her.

I have been doing my laundry in laundromats for years. In NYC if you leave even for a moment people force your wet clothes out of the side loading machines and soon every one is walking through a soapy trail, like in the Lucille Ball show.

The landromat is like public transportation. It's a great equalizer. We are all there right next to each other but still trying to remain invisible; carve out space. We are folding underwear, cleaning soiled sheets. We are trying to create order because it's part of controlling embarassment.

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